“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
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Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Florida man
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese