A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
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“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid