Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
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My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
My favorite female superhero
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Finally!
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.