Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
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My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.