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I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
😅😅😅
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
The French cow says MEUX…
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”