I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
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wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
adam and eve had first world problems
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.