*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
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No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
channeling her this year
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
I have two kinds of followers
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?