The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
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[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Lassie, get help!
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
we’re dead?
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Worst bar ever.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”