I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
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Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
who wants to go expliring
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?