Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
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Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
My therapist after every session
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
This story is comedy gold 😂
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo