No time to explain get in the wood chipper
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Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Before crowbars crows drank alone
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I’m having an out of money experience.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.