I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
You Might Also Like
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.