Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
You Might Also Like
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!