I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
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1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
girls literally only want one thing..
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.