Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
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My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again