My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
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Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Note to self: I am a note
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
I have so many questions.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I am all good here, 😂😉
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
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