Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
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I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.