Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
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It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.