You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
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me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE