Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
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“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
This hospital has everything
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am