Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
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Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
#MeanwhileinCanada
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.