My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
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“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
This is me
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”