I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
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Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
I’m sorry…what?
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…