“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
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me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.