Always a housemaid, never a house.
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Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.