[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
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1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
What if the weather talks about us?
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear