She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
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If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
🤯🤯🤯
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Not today
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.