Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
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[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan