I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
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Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.