[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
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DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
this article brought to you by lions
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.