The 4 stages of a family vacation
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I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Oh my god
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.