My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
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If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.