I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
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“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
I identify as an antique shop.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Harsh but fair
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.