Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
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My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.