Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
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M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)