Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
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If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle