how much does a mortician urn in a year
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Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
I think this should do it.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
I’m a bad influence on myself.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
When ur friends with white people
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Well, that should do it