ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
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Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.