I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
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My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
i love meeting boys on tinder
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.