Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
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We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
The prophecy is fulfilled