HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
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Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”