Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
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My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.