*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
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I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?