Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
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A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Who says great literature is dead?
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.