Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
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Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.