[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
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I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
bad news gang
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture