Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
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Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
This anagram machine is out of order.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Saturday
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
#parenting
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.