Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
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I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
I want to meet the individual who made this
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends