the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
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Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
normalize having existential bread
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I am crying