Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
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I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
smartest karate player in the world
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them